now i know why

salam.
cuti mid sem dh dekat. kebetulan, clash pulak dgn cuti raya haji. so selepas segala konflik dan kontroversi, dapat la cuti lebih kurang dalam dua minggu. i'm supposed to be happy, tapi tak tau la kenapa kali ni rasa macam tak de mood nak balik. rasa sangat sangat miserable. :| and now i know why.

first, saya rasa bersalah sebab mama dah berminggu minggu remind pasal tiket bas. kalau call je mesti mama tanya, "dh decide belum nk balik bila? dh book tiket? nti raya haji clash ngan school hols, tiket biasa habis". masa tu like due tiga minggu before mid sem. so, bila tanya kawan kawan semua mcm cool, rilek je lagi. sebab mungkin lambat lagi kannn. semua tak decide lagi. so i myself dgn losernye, follow their flow instead of dengar apa yg mama cakap. nk push dieorg utk decide pun, it was still too early. besides, semua org kan dh ada back up plan. ada rumah ke dua, ke tiga, ke empat segala. and i didn't even think about that dan dgn losernya sekali lagi i let them decide for myself. =______=" loser kan? tadi time gi tmn maju dgn niat ikhlas lagi suci nak beli tiket, tiket semua dh habis KECUALI bas shamisha tu pun lalu KL and ada beberapa seat je lagi yang kosong. ok fineee. itu sangat cuakkk okayyy. bukan cuak sbb pe, ok je nk tolong melapah lembu ngan bdk Sudan, Egypt kat Toronto ni pun, tapi mcm mana nak explain kat mama ngan ayah nanti? OMG. i really do have some trouble explaining things, rite? *sigh*

secondly, saya rasa bersalah sebab i didn't score well last sem and yet i promised to both of my parents that i would do my best. tapi, apa yang keluar mcm didn't go parallel dgn what i've promised. i somehow can expect they will talk about this over and over again when i come back and i cannot imagine how many times i have to explain the same dull thing to them. i'm tired indeed. in case, you are reading this, i'm really really sorry because i failed to reach your expectation. i couldn't do it like i did in school. i couldn't do it like i did in spm. walaupun result spm cemerlang, tp from the moment saya tgk the only subjek which i scored A-, i straight away could feel it yg engineering gonna be a though path for me to take. kalau ayah ingat, sblm dtg sini, ayah ada bwk kakak pegi tepi pantai that one night and you told me to go and you told me to just forget medic and whatsoever. you remembered what i said, engineering is not what i want. not what i love. not something that i can do." i don't blame you. never did i do. tapi, boleh tak semua org faham walaupun sekejap, a succesful engineer, is someone who has a very good basic, interest, knowledge and experties in math's subjects. i don't have all that. i don't even love maths. i hate calculating. i hate all the complex formula. what do you expect i will feel when everyone else is going thru this with a wide progress, and me? not even an inch. mungkin la, mungkin minat tu boleh dipupuk. tapi it takes time. for me seems like its gonna be forever. saya tak nak jadi engineer yang sambil lewa. do nothing for the people, for the nation. do nothing for good. that is not how i want my life to end. i know to revert back it's like impossible. i have to keep going. but if i go on, i will not live a happy life. yes, i like utp so much. but will i love myself? that, i can't answer. mana nak fikir pasal scholar lagi.  you want me to compare? all my friends from the same batch who are jpa's scholar, they've scored dean list for at least one of the two sems. and yet, me? pfffftttt.

i don't know. maybe i'm too tensed. if it is fated yg sy akan grad dengan bachelor of Chemical Engineering punye degree, Alhamdulillah. it'll be for you mom, dad. but if it is not fated that way, maybe Allah SWT have something better for me. rite?

:) 

(:

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