result PET scholar dah keluar. unfortunately, i didn't get it as everybody's expecting. well, nak kate ape lagi. result dah keluar. dan muktamad. air mata ni dah jadi terlalu murah. rase dah macam nak tersembul biji mata ni menangis. tapi tu la, even if i cry a river, it won't change anything. tak pe lah, mungkin rezeki dah tertulis kat lain kot. Allah itu kan Maha Adil. dan Dia takkan membebankan hamba-Nya dengan ujian yang tak tertanggung. so, i believe my destiny is written this way, because He belives that i can endure this hardship. insya-Allah. special tribute to my mom, dad, family, friends and whoever that stays behind me, never left me. thank you so much. sungguh, doa dan sokongan korg semua sooth some part of my broken soul. seriously, PETRONAS is killing me softly.
when we speak about scholar, we have in mind, about futute. my future planning? for me, i would prefer destiny to write it for me. but i just knew i couldn't. a part of me want to stay here, proceed here in UTP, my beloved UTP. but another part of me just want to go away from here, explore those new worlds outside there. who knows if they suit me better. walaupun mama dan ayah cakap, they prefer me to stay or they WANT me to stay, and both of them nak tanggung yuran pengajian 2 sem ni.. ya Rabb.. berat utk aku ambil jln tu. 9,000 is not a small figure. i don't want them to make any more loans. i don't want to burden them some more. abang ngan adik pun nk sekolah jgk. pki duit jugak. tak nak la sebab mama ngan ayah have to support me here, and duit belanja sk dieorg kena potong, duit barang dapur kene potong. i 've force everyone to take part in my problem, rite? sorry, couldn't me you guys proud. tambah masalah je. sorry. i felt guilty inside and outside. seriously guilty.
pastu, mane nk concentrate final exam lagi. ya Allah, permudahkanlah jalan yang dihadapanku. tadi ayah call, ayah cakap, nak tengok ke belakang takpe, tapi jgn pusing ke belakang. let bygone, be bygone. ayah pesan lagi, buat betul2 final ni. pointer kan kire utk setahun ni. klu excel, blh apply scholar utk undergrade nti. ya Allah, aku takut.. amanah ni terlalu berat di pundakku. bimbinglah aku ya Rabb, sesungguhnya, Engkaulah yang mengetahui masa depan dan Engkaulah jua yang mengetahui jalan terbaik buat hamba-Mu. sungguh, aku berserah diri kpd-Mu. tdi, Dday kate, "saya loser. saya tak boleh nak bagi hadiah sikit pun kat mak saya." ok fine, then i'm a loser too. not only to both my parents, but to both my brothers.
abang dgn adik, i'm sorry for not being a good example. for being a sister u can't choose to follow. for being a sister who might have humiliated you guys. trully i'm sorry. ketahuilah, perancangan Dia lebih hebat dari kita. so skrg, belajar betul2. abang ngan adik la pulak harapan mama ngan ayah. kakak dah cuba. so far, i failed. u can look at me, and promise to learn from my mistakes. kakak pun harapkan abg ngan adik la utk improve from my level, k? u both have a lot time. work hard from now. i promise you, it's gonna be worth it. jgn lupa basahkan lidah dengan tasbih cinta-Nya. kakak sayang abang ngan adik. and so i beg, please do well in your study. jgn derhaka. nanti ketandusan berkat.
ya Rab, i know you're always there.. guide me. don't let me fall. neither do my brothers.
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